The Secret Diary of .. the Battle of Wellington

Nicola Willis
Nothing personal, but Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau is a total shambles. Her council’s vote to stop the sale of its 34 percent stake in Wellington Airport means it has to find a way to fill a huge budget hole – and the only way to solve this impasse is government intervention. Briefing papers and reports have been sent to the Prime Minister.
Christopher Luxon
I’ve been at a social function with Amanda, you might have seen the Instagram pictures we’ve been posting of us out and about, so I’ve not read the report into the situation in Wellington, or any of the briefing papers, which I would like to, it’s actually one of the priorities I’m looking into right now, it’s at the top of the list or near the top of the list, I mean there’s quite a long list of things to do when you’re Prime Minister, I don’t know if people really appreciate that, it’s certainly come as a bit of a shock to Chris Luxon, who I refer to in the third person in times of crisis, not that the situation in Wellington qualifies as a crisis, because let’s be honest, cities are difficult to manage, they’re like children, at the end of the day they need to go to school to learn maths, but I’m not sure the Mayor of Wellington is up with the play on sums and figures and balance sheets, she seems neither wealthy or sorted, so all things considered, yeah, Government intervention seems the best way to go about things. We begin bombing in five minutes.
Simeon Brown
We begin bombing at 0500 hours. That’s 8am by my reckoning. We also have ground troops and an armoured division ready to move in and take Lambton Quay. Our main priority of course is to secure the airport. By that I mean we need to make sure the airport can be sold to the highest bidder. Private enterprise will bring peace and prosperity to the land. But first, a show of aggression the likes of which we have never seen before in peacetime, for I am the punishment of God.
Judith Collins
We would like to assist with a naval bombardment of Wellington Airport but there’s a little bit of a problem right now with the seaworthiness of the HMNZS Manawanui.
Mayor Tory Whanau
We shall fight on the beaches. Our budget’s a bit stretched, so we might not get to the beaches until nine-thirty. Nine-thirty ish.
We shall fight in the fields. What should I wear, do you think?
We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air. Because, you know, we have a 34 percent stake in the airport so we may as well use it while we can.
We shall fight on the seas and oceans. That should be alright what with the sinking of the HMNZS Manawanui.
We shall defend our city whatever the cost may be. Fair to say it will cost the ratepayers a lot.
We shall go on to the end. But first I just need to sell my car. And everything I own. And beg on the streets. Please don’t take that out of context. It’s not helpful. The important thing right now is that I provide leadership.